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Soulful RelationshipBy Christian de la Huerta |
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February reminds many of us of our relationship status, which, regardless of what that may be in our case, can surely be a source of fulfillment or misery, growth or stagnation, expansion or contraction, freedom or imprisonment.
Sometimes I think the Dalai Lama has it easy, being celibate. I can even understand why celibacy was made a requirement among priests, nuns and monks in several spiritual traditions. While, no doubt, in some cases that practice was instituted due to concerns about property and inheritance rights, we all know that sex and relationships can be a distraction from our own personal and spiritual growth, our true work, our life purpose.
Don't get me wrong. I am not knocking sex and relationships nor advocating celibacy here--though I do believe that for most of us periods of reclaiming and learning to contain (not suppress) our sexual energies can be quite empowering and produce enlightening and life-changing results.
Clearly, for most of us the path of the renunciate is not likely. In older times, when one wanted to explore one's spiritual growth fully, or devote oneself to serving the divine, one walked away from one's lives and joined an ashram or monastery. These days I think we are being called to embody the sacred in all aspects of our day-to-day lives -- in the boardroom and in the bedroom, while stuck in traffic or standing at the checkout line in the grocery store. And maintaining one's equanimity in the heat of an upset or disagreement with our partner can be very challenging, to say the least!
When viewed as a laboratory for growth rather than just a means to fulfill basic needs for sex, companionship and intimacy, relationships can be profound catalysts for growth. There is no more effective way to shine a light onto our psychological blind spots, those unhealed emotional areas that can still grab us when activated, than by getting into an intimate relationship. No one can more intuitively identify and effectively press those emotional buttons than our partners --even more so than our parents.
Rather than falling into the all too human habit of getting angry or feeling victimized by another, while blaming them for our emotions and experiences, the practice is to shine back the mirror on ourselves, asking questions such as: "How I am exhibiting that same kind or a similar of behavior?," or "What does the fact that I am attracting this type of person or experience into my life say about me?"
It is in this sense that Ram Dass sees relationships as yoga (or union), as a path to remembering our true essence and reconnecting to the sacred.
But the work is not easy! It takes a great deal of courage and radical self-honesty to undertake relationships as this level.
No wonder that the great Sufi poet Hafiz, in his inimitable way, has this to say:
"True Love, my dear,
Is putting an ironclad grip upon
The soft, swollen balls
Of a divine rogue elephant
And not having the good fortune to die!"
Yet, the rewards are bountiful: a revved up evolutionary process and deep levels of satisfaction in authentic partnerships that are truthful, honest, and most of all, fertile. My intent here is not to deter anyone from pursuing the path of conscious relationships; in my personal life, it has proven to be the most effective way to identify and transcend tendencies of the lower mind, or ego.
However, just like in the old days when statues of beasts or monsters were placed at the entrance of temples and monasteries to scare off potential seekers who were not serious, I want to make sure that--if you have not already discovered this for yourself--you know what you are getting into.
As far as I am concerned, there is no other way to do relationships.
